stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My new favorite headline
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
that lip filler tho
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him