It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean