“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Feels
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that