My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
<- sleeps well with others
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’