I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Perfect