One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris