Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.