“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
You Might Also Like
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?