When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Skills
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Nomnomnomnom
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Thinking about Jeff
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit