Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
You Might Also Like
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.