HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.