Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Oh my god
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions