WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
There’s never enough good news
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake