when the buffet is more honest than your date
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
im all 3
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water