April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.