The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s