peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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Pretty much. 🤣
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
spot the difference
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with đź‘Ť*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Finally, a door that understands me
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?