Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.