POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband