Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.