GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively