Namaste
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.