They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha