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I am a gravy boat captain
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.