Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
this post was so formative to me
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
water it, i dare you
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
same bro
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then