Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.