[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
found my next D&D character name
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating