alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one