i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
#TopTip