I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit