I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Respect
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
That’s classic.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”