Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
british sex workers really pound for pound
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name