I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Traveler’s camo
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
This hospital has everything
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”