parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You Might Also Like
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.