Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
what’s the point then??
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse