horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
You Might Also Like
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.