Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Sorry not sorry.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR