What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Coffee for people with no kids
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
🤣😂🤣
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.