Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’m about to risk it all
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Wait a minute
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.