How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.