I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
my favorite genre of twitter
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
lmao
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”