I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
yeah 😭
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.