[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh