Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Mornin
A leaf blower, but for people.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on