Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.