pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces