Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence