what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.