[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel