Bartenders are just boneless bars
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.